it suddenly dawned on me that the holidays are drawing to a close.. not that i didn't realise it but it's only just sunk in that school's starting. heh.

haven't touched my textbooks and probably won't do so till next week. the inertia's just too great man. plus the lack of time. trying to wrap up my research project, need to do a presentation in 2 weeks time too.

mm i'm generally quite alright with academic stuff so not unduly worried.. heh, almost certain some people must have finished a few months worth of syllabus over the holidays. oh well, i did spend mine wisely and meaningfully. heh.

was just reflecting over the past few days and was a bit irked by the way i responded to some of the situations which presented. got to meet many new people recently, in school, at lab.. not that i respond badly to these 'social situations' but i think i could have been more authentic in terms of my interactions. you know there's always this tendency to portray some sort of 'front' when you first meet someone. =b

gobbled down a huge pack of sour cream flavoured twisties last night while watching the really trashy 'joe millionaire'.. promptly got a nose bleed upon waking this morning.. should have known better. grr.

grin. i passed my driving! barely actually. 16 demerit points, 20 points and i would have failed. heh. i'm really thankful.

my instructor said i had a really horrible tester. thankfully didn't make any major mistakes. most of the points came from rather harmless things such as 'insufficient acceleration' and 'delay in moving off'. heh. no i'm not saying i'm a good driver. judge for yourself when you get driven some day. grin.

lots of positive stuff to write about today. medicine camp went well. :) i like my og.. good mix of characters. :) enthusiastic, warm, lovable bunch. the last night of camp we had a pretty interesting sharing.. gosh almost got interrogated upside down about my love-life. i sense a scandal brewing. spare me, guys. =b

the orientation skit was a bit of a let down though, personally. guess i've high expectations. the very first scene was excellent but the subsequent ones were just alright. nothing to do with the actors, really, they were excellent. objectively, given the constraints in terms of time for rehearsals and lack of props and proper sound system, it was fine. heh. but of course perfectionistic joshua always hopes for more.

medical quiz went well too. minor booboos but generally well organised. feedback was that i emceed pretty well except i mumbled at times and i slouched. hrm. heh. ok not too concerned with the mumbling, sore throat from orientation + microphone = mumbling. grin. slouching.. hrm. yea.

woo... that's 3 pretty huge loads off my back. there shouldn't be any replacements anytime soon. mm, it's really been an excellent week, really thankful for everything and for everyone. =P night.

heh, i can't seem to decide if i'm looking forward to the coming week. it's sort of like a crucial week.. medicine camp from tues till fri. medical quiz on sat. driving test the following monday. wow.

hoping that everything will go smoothly. i guess i do accept that not everything will go entirely as planned. so it's an opportunity to put my trouble-shooting skills to the test. heh. come on josh, you just have to relax.

sinead, crystal and priscilla have been really nice and will be helping out with medical quiz training in the coming week. that's a load off my back. grin. ok i should train one of the days though.. for responsibility's sake and also to maintain that rapport with the juniors before the quiz. :)

alright then, here we go. hope everyone's week will be full of positive surprises! =p

had a refreshing time in church this afternoon. helped me put everything back in perspective. :) think i've been in bits and pieces recently because of the work commitments everywhere.

mm, i really enjoy the time spent with my cell group. cell groups are kind of like church support groups, we confide in and support each other, in our struggles and in our faith.

through the sharings you come to realise that you're not the only one who struggles. everyone struggles.. with pretty similar things at that.

you know, sometimes adversity strikes you and you don't know why. sometimes you wonder why God placed that in your path. yet you know that he has a good and perfect plan. and then you stop thinking because all these seems too incomprehensible.

it takes you a while to realise that God really loves you.. and everything will be alright, because he cares for and watches over you. take comfort, find your peace in him. God bless. :)

i'm really thankful for the past 2 days. most things have been pretty much smooth sailing. yesterday's orientation skit rehearsal was great.. think everyone enjoyed themselves! heh. and today's medical quiz rehearsal went well too!

not that i place my confidence in how well things go.. just that it's rather satisfying to see your ideas on paper come to life. drama is full of positive surprises. because of the vast randomness of human interaction, also that the script is open to the actor's interpretation. =p

i've acted before, but this is my first experience at directing. i've got a great, talented, receptive cast. totally enjoy working with them. didn't have much problem with ideas, most came pretty naturally. hrm, maybe i've got a flair for these drama stuff. heh. we'll see.

it's tempting at times to bring your acting skills into real life interactions. i dare not say i've never put up an act in real life.. sometimes to gain favour, or perhaps to get the best out of a tricky situation. shakespeare said the world's a stage.

is acting in real life hypocritical? if you judge it harshly then it probably is, since there is a contradiction between your true-self and your portrayed-self. yet good emotional intelligence involves reacting appropriately to the situation. and this often requires the wearing of a certain persona.

sometimes acting is even inevitable.. to smooth out conflicts, or at the interview, when you portray yourself as best as you can. everyone acts.

so when is acting wrong? it's really tough to draw the line, and even harder to define 'wrong'.

acting is obviously 'wrong' when you manipulate the situation with the intent of harming someone. and it's probably 'not wrong' when you suppress your emotions and smile at someone who bitched about you behind your back. these are, of course, the extremes. but there are just too many grey areas in between to come to a consensus.

ultimately each will have to reflect on how different his portrayed-self is from his true-self. taking into consideration his religious values and his conscience, then he can decide if he needs to cut down on his acting prowness.

personally i think i need to be more authentic.

finally done with the script for medicamp! woohoo!

scriptwriting's tough when you've got deadlines to meet.. no time to really sit on your thoughts and permutate them. i'd say it's a decent script. the last few scenes however, lack creativity i feel. stuck to the status quo due to a lack of time.

been a bit down lately, but i guess i'm now feeling much better as the workload gradually clears. heh. things are looking sunny again. :)

looking forward to today's rehearsal. i love drama, it's great fun! =p it's expressive, it energizes and it builds confidence. drama seldom screws up.

alright, time to catch a few winks, check out the time man. the entire world must be sleeping now. sweet dreams. =)

ouch my abdominal muscles are hurting. did just 40 inclined sit-ups at the gym that day and then this. hm. i even bend slightly forward when i stand up cos stretching the muscles hurt. gosh. is it even technically possible to pull your abdominal muscles? lol.

gosh i'm agonizing over the script for the orientation skit. oh man... it's supposed to be due today but i really don't see myself finishing anytime soon. i'm on day one scene one. help. i get this deja-vu feeling from my rather negative sec4 experience at script-writing. come on josh, you can do it.

i am never ever going to volunteerily overload myself in my life again. it's bad.

some things just don't make sense. no matter how hard i try to rationalize or put it out in logical terms, i just can't figure it out. humans are way too complicated.

i need more freedom. i feel provoked, insulted, violated, when restrictions are placed on me. am i not a young adult, who should be given much autonomy. allowed to do pretty much whatever i want. i'm capable of making good decisions.. history proves it. sigh. oh dear, is this pride?

sometimes i just want to rebel outright, blatantly, cruelly. and it does feel liberating, in a twisted sense. sigh. yet i have to be cautious about feelings, relationships, impressions.. it's not possible to rebel and keep all these intact. sigh. is rebellion the only way to freedom? where do i draw the line?

perhaps rebellion is too strong a term... how about 'asserting myself'. one day they'll have to fully let go, like all others have. i just wish that day was now.

it's not that they're mean. they love me more than anything else in the world. they've always been great, ever present to support, guide, counsel. do you see my dilemma?

you know, being restricted as though you were a kid does horrible things to your self esteem, which i jealously guard cos sometimes i feel i've got so precious little of it. i totally, entirely, abhor the feeling of being restricted.

i'm caught. right smack in the middle. catch 22. sigh, i wish i knew what to do. do pray for me.

i might just need some help here. heh. got into a dreadfully depressed mood this afternoon, thankfully i'm much much better now, i refuse to remain in that awful state.

guess when you're piled with such a huge workload, coupled with emotional stress, no amount of endorphins can save you. heh. come on josh, bit by bit, am sure you can do it.

self-encouragement helps you know.. but of course nothing beats having someone there to tell you that everything will be alright. heh.

some of my friends say i'm too choosy. sigh. it's not that i am, you know.. i don't even think it comes down to choice. and i most certainly dare not say that i have a right to choose. i don't know, really. aren't these kind of things supposed to 'just happen'. heh. i must be in hollywood again.

mm. ought to pray about this and many more things. overall it's been a rather gloomy week but things are looking sunnier now. heh. hope everyone's been better.

wo. i've never been this busy in my entire life! just take a peek in my organiser for this week.. you can barely find any space to write anything else in! (isn't it supposed to be the holidays? heh.) i carry around a humongous-black-insurance-agent organiser btw. =b

judy, my mentor from church, mentioned that day that i'm 'already picking up the bad habit of being a workaholic'. yea she's probably right. mom's right too. she says i'm over-involved. i've got my hands in too many places, or to use a cliche, my fingers in too many pies.

and i just agreed to help write the script for the orientation skits. heh, help. i wasn't compelled to, but i wanted to, it's nice to be able to express your ideas in a comical, non-threatening way.

hm josh, time to sit back and prioratise. it's not that i can't say 'no', i can. the problem is.. everything seems really meaningful and i enjoy all that i do! heh. mm. but i agree that i do need to cut back... spend more time at home for one.

mm. hope next week will be less packed. i'll ensure that it'll be. i wouldn't last much longer in this state, heh. wonder if nemo's still showing. :)

i like my blog. it helps me reflect and think rationally. grin.

sigh. got into a row with my parents two nights ago, over something totally incredulous. something i'd not want to write about but you'll probably catch me whining about it. hai. sometimes i laugh at my own plight.

hai. its just that i'm growing and i really really really need more space to breathe. my parents have got strong personalities and it doesn't help that i'm ferociously independent. guess this is all part of the process of working things out. it's alright josh. :)

mm. was at church earlier yesterday afternoon to discuss the coming saturday's programme for the young adults' ministry. the three of us present were deeply convicted about what to share with the young adults on saturday. i really felt it was God speaking to us.

this morning's sermon in church was a confirmation. the points which were raised in the sermon by our pastor were identical to those we had been convicted about.

heh. i'm not going to be naive and say that this proves that God exists (though i firmly believe it wasn't a coincidence). rather, it dawned on me that despite the presence of different ministries in the church, we're all united in spirit. different people, but the same God and the same Spirit.

got myself lacerated again. heh. though i admit i was asking for it. played soccer barefooted on hard ground, hence got blisters on the soles of my feet. funny how come no one else seems to get them.

should have known better. the last time i played soccer with some juniors on the track barefooted the same thing happened.

other than that, really enjoyed today! second day of orientation preparations. we tried out orientation games, mass dance, and some freaky night activities. heh. somehow i've always liked orientation since sec school, gives me an opportunity to totally let loose and be a bit schizo. grin.

the best of it was the night activities... i was made up to look totally horrendous. heh. some people thought i looked like some character in ju-on. it's this jap horror movie. lol. write more during orientation itself. :)

seals instantaneously.

hm. got superglue all over my fingers while trying to piece back some part of my shoe which came off. grr... it made my skin go all dry and flaky. itching to scratch it off. yucks. sigh. addidas shoes. heh.

that's not the only catastrophe today. =b slipped while playing dog and bone earlier in the morning. we were trying out some orientation games. i landed in an awkward position on my left hand, and pretty much on my left thumb. *ouch* slightly sprained now but thankfully can still type properly.

hm, dog and bone.. not the most glamorous of ways to get injured. grin.

it's weird, i'm really beginning to enjoy running. maybe its the endorphins which are supposed to be secreted after a period of intense exercise. endorphins are sort of similar in structure to morphins, except that they are produced endogenously, within the body. unlike morphins, which have to be introduced into the system.

hrm, technically exercise could be addictive. heh. i've never been a gym person however. the idea of huge muscles and protruding veins doesn't appeal strongly to me. i suppose you could do it in moderation.

hm, my 2nd set of enzymes and primers have arrived. time for another round of pcr, restriction enzyme digest and electrophoresis. as expected, the initial excitement has died down and i'm now feeling rather neutral towards it. hopefully there will be some sort of statistical linkage between the results and the clinical data. =b